Phew!!

Oh. My. Gosh. Phew!!!!

John just found my bin of good maternity clothes. Up until now, I've looked and looked, but just could NOT find it. All I had was a couple of crappy pants - one pair too loose and one pair too tight - and virtually NO shirts. I've been alternating between the hated maternity pants and unbuttoned or buttoned-uncomfortably-low regular pants.

Have you ever slipped into a pair of really comfortable maternity pants after having gone without for a really long time? It's like... it's like... well, it's like slipping your feet into a tub of hot peppermint wax after a long day in really tight, really high heels.

It's like laying down on a super soft feather mattress after laying on hard, rocky ground all night.

It's like putting on your favorite soft cotton pajamas after wearing a scratchy Christmas dress and hoes all day.

It's pure relief.

It's also too bad I'm already almost 34 weeks pregnant, but hey, the next 6 weeks are going to be fucking amazing!!

Cute as a Button!!

I had my second ultrasound for Baby Boy... he is SO cute!! The ultrasound showed his face and his little lips and nose, and oh my I was just a beaming mess at the end of it! He already has hair!! And his kidneys are within the limits of normal now, so that's great news too! The ultrasonographer confirmed that my placenta is on the back wall of my uterus - which is why I can feel him move so much more clearly than I could feel Ellen. Looking back, I could hardly feel her at all!! Baby Boy is all elbows and knees!

Only 10 more weeks to go!! Oh my! Where does the time go????

Getting Excited!!

I'm getting so excited about meeting my baby boy and having him on the outside!! I just wish we could decide on a name!! It'll definitely be a change going from one baby to two and I wonder how Ellen is going to adjust, but I just can't wait to hold him!! He'll be so tiny and perfect!!!

Ellen is more and more fun everyday. She still doesn't have any teeth, but she is teething pretty fierce these days. Her bottom left tooth is visible just under the gums, but it's been that way for days. She LOVES books, she loves Cookie Monster, and she's just an oomph away from walking.

We are starting to transition to one nap a day - she's still months away from that, but there's hardly enough time in the day for two naps and a decent bedtime. She's been waking up later too (almost 7) which doesn't help with the bedtime. I'd rather she wake early and go to bed early, but even though I'm usually mostly awake in the early morning hours, I just can't seem to actually get up until she calls me. And we are trying to increase her solid intake. She seems to be doing a little better with it, but still not enough to replace a bottle. We're at five bottles right now and I want to get it down to four. The ladies in my birth club are mostly down to three, some of them two!! I just can't seem to get her to eat enough solids for that though.

Tonight I made jalapeno cream sauce chicken. George brought home grown peppers to work and said most were mild, but the small green ones were mildly hot. HA! I burned the CRAP out of my whole mouth when I merely touched my tongue to one, and my FINGERS are still burning from preparing them!!! Yes, I said FINGERS - those non-sensitive digits that are at the ends of your hands!!

What I Love

I love how excited she gets to see me in the mornings, but especially after she's been at my sister's all day
I love it when she gets mad and protests (usually at diaper time) and then looks to see how I'm reacting
I love when she snuggles me after naps and lays across my ever growing belly
I love when she plays games and laughs so hard
I love it when throws her arms around my neck and hugs me tight
I love how she sometimes tilts her head to the side to look at someone or something from another perspective
And I love it that she laughs in delight when I do something right - something she wanted - like reading a book, giving her water, etc., and that she laughs when she realizes it's bath time.

A Taste of the Future...

Yesterday I had a taste of how horrible it can be with two babies... wow. Ethan is a happy baby and a pleasure to watch. He has been here before and it has always gone just perfectly - no tears, simultaneous naps, two happy babies, etc. etc. And truly, it wasn't so bad yesterday because Maria was expected to pick Ethan up only about 30 min after it got *really* bad, but I was still almost in tears. I was completely paralyzed because I could only hold the two crying babies and no limbs left to fix anything. I had a 22lb baby on each hip and couldn't even sit down with them... I tried a few times and had to get back up with them both still in my arms - I'm still sore. It would have been different if Maria had not been on her way, because I'd have had to put one down and just take care of highest priority first. But Ethan just needed his mommy - which I obviously couldn't fix - and Ellen needed a bottle and a nap, which would have taken too long to leave him with Maria on her way so we all three just rode it out. And DS was kicking the entire time, just to tell me that in three months this is gonna be my life.

But anyway, yesterday Ellen's atime was 415 instead of 330 because of all that and she took a 2hr and 20 min nap - which she woke up from at 1.5 hrs b/c her mosquito bites were itching (I watched her wake up) and then when I picked her up, thinking her nap was over, I found her diaper had leaked BAD. I must have put her diaper on wrong, because it wasn't even wet - only her clothes and sheets. So I changed her [i]as[/i] she fell back to sleep, and then had to hold her for the next hour b/c I couldn't put her back in her wet crib Mostly I enjoy the times when I can hold her while she's sleeping, but I do like to be prepared with a comfy place to sit, possibly a book, and whatever else I might need readily available...

But anyway, today she had almost her 3 1/2 hr atime and only took a 50 min nap, so I guess it's time to up it again. I'm wondering if the 4:15 was closer to what it's supposed to be now but I'm not gonna make that much of a jump that fast, even if it is what she ultimately needs. I'm going to probably go up to 3:45 tomorrow and see what happens. I did love the 2:20 nap. Or would have if I hadn't had to unexpectedly hold her for half of it

Yesterday was not a very pleasant day. A day like that ends in a trip to the grocery store for ice cream and candy bars. I just ate some ice cream and I think I might go have another bite even though I keep telling myself I really need to start watching my sugar intake.

Ellen just amazes me every day. She loves to climb on anything and everything and has no fear... even when she should!! We've been putting the couch cushions on the floor in front of the couch so she can climb from them to the couch and then back down by herself. When going down, she wriggles down head first and tries to do so even when the cushions aren't there and it's a long drop from the top of the couch to the floor. Last week I started trying to get her to go down backward - I'd say "go down backward" and turn her around and show her how. This morning, she did it all on her own. It *looked like* she did it on purpose, but I wasn't sure if it was or if it was just coincidence, but she has done it all day. Here's the funny and amazing part: If she's on top of the couch with no cushions to step down onto, she will go down backwards. Then, when there are cushions there, she will go down forwards (head first) onto the cushions and then turn around and go down backward from the cushion to the floor... even though it's the same height from the couch to the cushion as it is from the cushion to the floor. So that means that she associates getting down from something to the floor with going down backwards. I guess it would be better for her to associate getting down from any significant height to anywhere with going down backwards, but I'm still amazed. I'm actually really amazed too that she learned it so fast - I kept showing her but felt like she wasn't catching on, but apparently she was!! So smart my baby is.

And my belly has popped!! It snuck up on me, I'm not sure when it happened, but I definitely feel pregnant now. Baby boy wriggles a lot but not quite as much as Ellen did. However, I think I can feel him and his body parts through my belly more clearly than I could Ellen. Maybe because her placenta was attached in front and his isn't?

The Second Ultrasound...

So we went back to the Women's Center where we had Ellen's ultrasound done and had another one for DS so we could get better pictures and a video. They were SO much better! They told us what they were looking at, they were very friendly, they gave us lots of pictures, and thankfully the video tape worked. YAY!!

They did give us some bad news though. DS has fetal renal pyelectasis... which basically means his kidneys are holding too much fluid. They were measuring 5mm and anything over 4mm is not good. Doesn't sound like much, but if you think about it, it means his kidneys are 20% larger than the maximum they should be. However, neither the ultrasonographer nor the midwife were very concerned. They both told us that it was a fairly common occurrence, especially in boys, and that most of the time it resolves itself spontaneously either before birth or just after. They scheduled another u/s for 30 weeks just to keep an eye on it and make sure that it's not getting out of hand. If the condition continues into his first year, they may have to do surgery to correct it, but it's highly unlikely. They will only do any in utero treatment (surgery) if the kidneys are measuring over 20mm so it would seem we have a pretty mild case, thank goodness.

I bought him some shoes today - little leather moccasins for when he's learning to walk. I know it's early, but I bought Ellen some today and I just couldn't resist...

Leaps and Bounds!!!

Ellen just amazes me every day!!! She's been waving for some time now and this weekend she started clapping and showing that she recognizes words. I asked her if she wanted water when she wasn't looking at me and she turned her head toward me with her mouth open. Then today I asked her where the moon, caterpillar, sun, and butterfly were in her Hungry Caterpillar book and she pointed at all of them. Well, she didn't actually point with one finger, but put her hand on the right picture each time. Wow!!!

This weekend we went to the cabin again. John got a new toilet and a water heater installed, Claire got the lawn mowed, and I installed all the insulation we had. Ellen took pretty good naps but her night sleep was NOT good and Saturday night she had a full 2hour night waking!!! Argh!! I think she's starting her 2-1 transition and it's not going as smoothly as I pictured it... of course. It's not too bad though and I *think* I have figured out my strategy, so all that's left is putting it into action and making it work.

We also put an air mattress in her play room and put some pillows on it for her to play on. She LOVED it. She was climbing all over it and throwing herself down and just romping all over. She had SO much fun!!

And I'm so excited about the new baby too. With Ellen I think I had no idea what was coming and I was excited to hold her yes, but looking back I think I was more excited to just not be pregnant anymore. This time I am just so excited about having the baby on the outside and getting to know him!!! There's not much time left... I'm already 22 weeks!! Where has the time gone????

Boy names, hospital trips, and Ellen

Well I've been trying to think of boy names for our little bean. Not so much a little bean anymore - he's over 11 inches now!!! And kicking up a storm in there!! I keep thinking about him as tiny little newborn and I'm so excited to see him and hold him!! I wonder if he's going to be a big baby like Ellen, is he going to take after me or John, will he have blue eyes or brown, will he have hair... oh all kinds of things I can't wait to find out!! But I love Ellen's name and think it's so perfect for her so I want to find just the perfect name for DS too. (That's short for dear son). I'm sure it will come to us eventually - Ellen's didn't come til two weeks before she was born and wasn't for sure hers until we signed the birth certificate!! I've been feeling pretty good, all except my SI joint. My headaches are dwindling, my nausea is all but gone, and my appetite seems to be on it's way back up. Yay!!

My mom had a stroke earlier this week and it has been crazy busy. Thankfully it was a fairly mild stroke and she'll regain most, if not all, of her mobility and ability. She is still in the hospital for inpatient rehab and is doing really well. I spent the first couple nights with her in the hospital - I was really lucky and glad that Ellen has been sleeping through the night so I was able to do that. And I've been watching Ethan this week since Mom and Dad have been at the hospital. Ethan is really good and very laid back as well, so it has gone really well. They even napped at the exact same time both times he was here. It's given me some sort of inkling as to what it will be like when DS is finally here... I know some days will probably be pretty rough, but I think once we get into the groove of it, it will be just peachy. I can't wait!

And Ellen is pulling up on EVERYTHING. The only thing I really have to watch out for is that she'll pull up on things that aren't stable - boxes, toys, and especially her high chair, which is on wheels. She's doing really great and is happy as ever. She's babbling a lot more now and constantly on the move. Her naps have been a little off this week b/c we went to the property last weekend I pushed a nap too far and got her OT. I think we are finally getting back on track. I'm really surprised it took so long.

We bought a property near West, Texas. 10 acres and it has a home already on it that I'm just going to call a cabin. We are going to live there temporarily while we build our permanent home. It will take us a few years to get that house built, and before we move down to start, we have to make the cabin livable. The water heater in it burst and flooded everything so there is a lot of work to be done. John went down yesterday just for a day trip (we didn't go for the weekend b/c of my mom in the hospital) and got the plumbing capped off in all the necessary places so that we can finally turn the water on to the cabin. YAY!! That's a huge accomplishment and relief b/c til now we've only had well water and we've had to run a hose into the house through the window for all our water needs... toilet, dishes, baths, etc. It was a major pain in the you-know-what and I'm so glad we will finally have running water!!!

So far we have spent two weekends down there and we have found one scorpion, one HUGE black widow, and one baby copperhead. Yikes!! I hope once we get situated there all these venomous critters will decide they don't like our company and will relocate!!! I'm not so worried about John or I, more about Ellen and DS when he comes - what could be just painful/hospital trip for us could prove fatal for one of them if we're not careful!! We will just have to be very vigilant and super careful.

I have a son!!

I have a son!!! Forever and for all eternity, I have a little boy!! I can't wait to meet him and to hold him. I think he is going to bring such fun and life to our family. What a perfect addition!! I can't believe that I have two children now, and that he is so close to being in my arms!! I am so excited!!! He moves a LOT - I can feel him all the time and he was moving throughout the whole ultrasound. I love feeling him move and feeling him so close. I love him so much already and can't wait to meet him!!! I can't believe I have a son!!!

The video tape we brought to the u/s didn't work and the lady only gave us two pictures. I want to go back to the other place we went to for Ellen to have another one. She didn't show us his precious little hands or feet, she only gave us one profile picture, and we didn't get a video. I'm going to talk to Betty or Jean about it at my next appointment to see if I can get a referral to the other place.

We haven't decided on a name yet - of course - but his middle name will probably be Henry. Claire suggested Pier for a middle name, which is her mother's maiden name. That's a possibility, it just depends on his first name I guess.

Things are going well with this pregnancy. I had more nausea and more headaches, but fewer stomach problems and less SI joint pain up until this past week. This past week it's gotten really bad. Hopefully it will be like last time though and will go away when I get to my third trimester.

I have a son!! I'm so excited!!

Time Flies!!

These past months have FLOWN by. Ellen is already almost 8 months old and I am almost 20 weeks pregnant!!

Ellen is such a sweet angel. She's very happy, very easy-going, and very perfect!! She was sitting up at 5 months, crawling at 7, and now she's pulling up onto anything and everything at almost 8 months. Sometimes she'll take steps along the couch, but she still gets confused sometimes about what to do with her feet.

She is also holding up her hand to people and I'm not sure if she's waving or just plain holding up her hand. It's very pointed though, she will do it while looking at you and smiling and definitely seems to expect some kind of reaction. And she plays with people so well. She will laugh if you stick a toy in your mouth, she thought it was funny when John put a kleenex in his nose, she will take her toy or paci out of her mouth and put it into mine, she LOVES peekaboo... she's just so much fun!

I'm still working two days a week for a couple more months. Ellen stays at Maria's and seems to like it over there. Last time I brought her over there, she was SO excited to see Maria and Ethan. They play together and have so much fun. She is almost as big as Ethan!! She definitely takes after John, in personality, physical appearance, and temperament. She even tweedles her right foot while she's eating exactly the same as he does when he's reading...

SNUZA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So the positioner thingy worked ok, but she still didn't like it as much as sleeping on her tummy. It still took a long time for her to fall asleep, with me going in there every few minutes to put her pacifier back in (yes, I know you're supposedly not supposed to do that, but the poor thing can't do it herself and she can't yet get her fingers in her mouth... besides, once she's asleep, I can sleep).

My wonderful brother suggested that I get a Snuza. It's a tiny monitor that you put on the baby's diaper and it senses the movements of their bellies when they breathe. If they stop breathing (or there is no movement sensed) for 15 seconds, it will vibrate to rouse the baby, and if another 5 seconds goes by without movement (20 seconds total) it will sound a really loud alarm.

I ordered it Sunday. I continued to put her on her side at night until I got it. It was really hard to do and took some will power, but I figured a few more nights of side-sleeping was infinitely worth the risk that she might succumb to SIDS a day or two before I got the Snuza. I am SO GLAD I DID!!!

I got the Snuza yesterday (I did pay the outrageous $20 to have it overnighted) and was so excited that I might get a good nights sleep. I just keep remembering the 9 full hours she slept the first night she was on her tummy. And the darn thing didn't work. The battery was completely dead. Not a bit of juice in it. I was so disappointed and almost started crying because to send the battery back and then wait for another one would take days!! I called the company, BabyLove, and told them what happened. Well, apparently, they aren't affiliated with Amazon, which is who I ordered the Snuza through, and someone else was using the BabyLove name. Great. Megan just got ripped off again. So I submitted an email through Amazon and called RadioShack to see if they sold the battery. They did, and I went to get it, even though it cost another $20.

Yesterday was my first day back at work and my sister Maria watched her. I got to Maria's at 7:30 so I could get to work at 8. Ellen started crying when we got there and I just couldn't leave while she was crying. I know she's gonna cry sometimes throughout the day when I'm not there, and that's ok, but it's different to walk out the door for the first day back at work leaving your baby screaming behind you. I tried to nurse her but she wouldn't have it. We finally got her asleep by 8:30 and I left for work.

She woke up a few minutes after I left and Maria fed her and put her back down. She slept for 3 hours. She woke up, ate, played, and then slept for another 2.5 hours and woke up right before I got there. What a great first day!! I tried to nurse her right away, but she was fussy and wouldn't take much. When we got home, she was so sleepy, so I put her down. She slept for a few minutes before she woke up hungry. I think either my milk production was down yesterday (stress from work maybe?? Extra fatigue from getting up extra early??) or she's going through a growth spurt. She kept nursing and nursing last night and I don't think she was getting much.

But at any rate, about 8 I put the now-working Snuza on her diaper and put her down to bed. She fell right to sleep - I didn't have to go in several times to reinsert her pacifier or to readjust her so she'd be more comfortable. There was no whimpering or grunting or struggling... just peaceful slumber. I knew she wouldn't sleep much though because she had been nursing so much and I knew she'd probably be up for an extra feeding.

The Snuza is great. It blinks green with every movement. So when she settles down and her only movement is breathing, you can see a little green flash with every breath. How reassuring!! For the first time I didn't feel like I had to obsessively check on her because if I didn't hear her crying or whimpering, and I didn't hear the alarm, then everything was fine!! What relief! As predicted, she woke up at 11:30 (usually she sleeps from 8-ish til 1:30-2:30) and I fed her and put her back down. She went right back to sleep, Snuza blinking reassuringly.

At 2:30 she woke up again, and this is when I became even more eternally grateful for the Snuza. The light was not blinking green, it was blinking RED!! I couldn't believe it! When the Snuza has to vibrate to rouse the baby, but the baby responds so there's no alarm, the little green light turns red to let you know it happened. If it happens three times, it will also start beeping at you to let you know it has happened so many times. So she stopped breathing for 15 seconds once, or possibly twice, in that three hour period!! I was SO relieved that I hadn't put her on her tummy at night before I got the Snuza, and infinitely more glad that I got the Snuza at all!! It has a response period of 15 seconds... this is way better than I could ever hope to accomplish on my own unless I sat there and watched her breathe for every second of every sleep. And even though this had happened, I was still able to peacefully go back to sleep because I knew that even if I were awake, I couldn't do a better job of keeping her breathing than the Snuza. And if she stopped again for 20 seconds, it would wake me up.

Now I know it could have been that the Snuza lost contact with her belly and wasn't sensing movement but when it vibrated she moved and got it back in contact with her skin, but what if that's not what happened?? The Snuza might have saved her life last night!!!! I just know she will never sleep without it again!!

Tough Decisions

Ellen has been sleeping 4-6 hours a night for several weeks now but every time I put her down, she grunts and struggles for so long before falling asleep. And she would only sleep 30-60 minutes at a time during the day and would take a long time to fall asleep then too. She finally got to where she would only sleep well in my arms if I sat pretty still and didn't move around much. I looked up online how to get a baby to sleep better during the day and read that they sleep much better on their tummies than their backs. I tried it on Friday, and I have been so worried about her since then.

She slept on her tummy all day Friday, 2.5-3 hours at a stretch, and then waking up only to eat and go back to sleep. Saturday, she did the same thing. Both these nights, I put her on her back again for the overnight sleep because I was worried she would die of crib death (SIDS). Sunday, we had a family birthday party, so she slept in peoples' arms pretty much all day. Sunday night I put her down at 6pm on her belly, expecting her to wake up about 8:30 or 9 so I could put her on her back for the night... well, she didn't wake up until 3am!! She slept for 9 hours!! I woke up at 12:30 and was worried so I went to check on her. She was breathing fine, and she had slept 6 hours before so I wasn't too worried. I woke up again at about 2:45 and checked on her again. She was breathing, so I went back to bed, but I lay there awake and worrying that she would get SIDS until she woke up. Lucky for me, it was only about 20 minutes until she woke up. She was so calm and quiet when she woke up and ate. Needless to say, I put her on her back for the rest of the night, but she just didn't sleep... when I put her on her back, she grunted and struggled like normal, and she woke up every hour or two after that. When I finally put her back down on her tummy, she fell right to sleep and slept for another 3 hours (this was after I woke up for the day and could check on her often).

So here was my dilemma: On one hand, I could let her sleep on her tummy, where she was comfortable and would fall asleep within minutes of being put down, and where she wouldn't startle and wake up with every noise I made, but also where I would be taking the increased risk of her dying of SIDS, worrying every minute she was sleeping, and where I would never, ever forgive myself if something did happen. Or I could put her on her back, where the risk was lower, but she was obviously uncomfortable, didn't sleep well, and woke at every tiny noise.

Like always, I looked it up the internet. Sleeping on their backs lowers the risk of SIDS because the babies sleep lighter and waken more easily. So if they start to suffocate or stop breathing, they will wake up and breathe. Babies on their tummies, on the other hand, sleep more soundly and are more relaxed, so sometimes if they start to suffocate or stop breathing, they will not realize it and move. So even if they have good head control (which she does) and can move their heads, they may not because they are too deeply asleep. I read that babies that sleep on their backs, while having a lower risk of SIDS, also have higher incidences of flat head, crossed eyes, and crooked neck, as well as significantly delayed gross motor, social, and cognitive skills. This means the method of putting them on their backs to reduce SIDS is in effect causing sleep deprivation - enough to delay their development. So much so that experts are considering changing what is considered "normal" to match what babies on their backs do. So do I take a higher chance of SIDS (while technically rare at 1 in a 1000 chance, it is still the leading cause of death in infants under 1 year), or do I let her get good, restorative, healthy sleep? I'd never forgive myself if she died of SIDS while on her stomach, but I feel so mean and cruel putting her on her back where she is obviously uncomfortable and doesn't sleep well.

So yesterday I talked to the doctor about it and while he said that he can't make the decision for me, he pointed out that people were putting babies on their tummies up until about 20 years ago and that SIDS wasn't very likely since I don't have any of the risk factors, other than placing her on her tummy. He told me to follow my conscience. So I was feeling a little better about putting her on her tummy and resolved to just do it and let her sleep well. Then I got to the front desk. The nurse told me to put a fan in the room, which reduces the risk supposedly by about 70%. That's when the receptionist told me that her niece died of SIDS about 20 years ago and how hard it is to deal with. Not surprisingly, she still got teary eyed when telling me about it. She said her sister found the baby still warm to the touch and their father did CPR for 20-30 minutes, but it didn't help. The vision of me finding her warm but dead is what convinced me. Fan or no fan, I can't take that chance. I would just completely and literally die on the inside if anything happened to Ellen, let alone if it were because of a decision I made like that. The receptionist suggested that I try one of the sleep positioners that prop the babies up on their sides to sleep. And so, it would seem, my problem would be solved.

On the way home, I stopped at Target to get one of these things. Ellen also had her DTaP vaccine while we were there (another horrible decision) and was really fussy and tired when we got home. I tried the positioner, but she was just too fussy, so I let her sleep on her tummy one last time while I could monitor her closely.

So for the vaccine. I didn't want to vaccinate her, but Dr. Newell, who doesn't recommend that we do all vaccines, does recommend that we at least do DTaP and HIB. Well, the pertussis part of the DTaP has been known to cause reactions, but pertussis is still out and about and not all that uncommon and it can be fatal. So we followed his recommendation. He told me that because they use so many toxins in these vaccines (they stopped using mercury preservative, but now they use aluminum instead... another toxin) we could do one vaccine at a time and space them out so that her body has more time to metabolize less toxicity than if we did them all at once. So we did DTaP yesterday, we'll do HIB in a month, then DTaP a month later, then HIB again a month after that. I almost cried when they stuck the needle in her. I was so worried about a bad reaction. And I'm not just talking about fussiness or a sore needle site. I was worried about brain damage, convulsions, or death. Yes, very rare, but a possibility nonetheless. But she has more chance of getting pertussis than these reactions, so I did it even though it was hard.

When I got home and she was asleep on her tummy for the last time, I sat down to look up any possible connection with vaccines and SIDS. Supposedly SIDS peaks between 2 and 4 months, which is when vaccines are started. Baaad idea. The first website I found had several horror stories about vaccines and SIDS. www.thinktwice.com/sids.htm. Mothers telling the heart-wrenching stories of their babies' deaths after vaccines and supposedly due to SIDS. Telling about how their babies stopped smiling, stopped responding, and eventually died a week later. I started crying and really worrying. I had to make myself stop reading. When Ellen woke up a little while later, she was fussy and she cried harder than I've ever heard her cry. I was just beside myself with worry and couldn't stop crying myself. Yes, I was over-tired too, (I was up a lot the night before) but I felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown having to make so many evil-evil decisions. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

She finally calmed down and I held her until I was ready to put her down for the night at about 7. I nursed her and put her in her positioner at about 7:30. She was not gonna have it. She did her grunting and struggling routine again, so we tried putting her on her back again. Same thing. Finally, about 8:45 I tried the side positioner again and low and behold, it worked!! She calmed down and soon fell asleep. She slept for 7 hours last night! When she woke at 3:35, I nursed her and had to change her because her diaper had leaked. So she woke up more than she normally would have, so when I put her down again, it took a while for her to fall back to sleep, but she eventually did by 4:30 and slept for about 3 hours. So this side-positioner thingy seems to have solved my dilemma!! YAY!!!!

8 Weeks Old!!

I can't believe that my sweet, precious Ellen is 8 weeks old. She is such a perfect baby. The past 8 weeks have just flown by.

She eats well and sleeps well... she is now 13 lbs. 9oz. and 24 inches long, which is in the 97th percentile. I went to Dr. Newell yesterday for her 8 week appointment and he was surprised how much she had gained so fast. He said that if I hadn't had similar results at her 6 week appointment (13lbs. 5oz.) that he would have thought that someone accidentally had an elbow on the scale or something.

Life with Ellen has been so wonderful. She's so perfect. She's starting to smile more often, which I love, love, love. And she is so strong. She has really great head control and she has even rolled over a few times. The first time she did it, she rolled from her belly to her back at exactly one month old. I was so proud of my super-baby.

Things are getting easier. She is sleeping longer and eating less often. She has also stopped messing in every single diaper. She had diaper rash for a while there because she would leak some out pretty much constantly, so she was constantly sitting in it. She hasn't had a dirty diaper (and by this I mean more than wet) in a few days now, but today she had a monster poo. It was all over everything and it took a whole new diaper to start to wipe away the mess, not just a wipe. Using a wipe would have been like trying to clean up a mud puddle with a kleenex.

Labor and Delivery

Ok, so I'm a month late posting this, but I wrote it all down in my journal a few days after delivery, so I'm pretty much just transferring it now.

I had an appointment on 2/1 to have my blood pressure checked and to do a biophysical profile, which she passed with flying colors... it didn't even take the full half hour to get her to pass all her tests. After the BPP, I went to my appointment at the birthing center, and found that I was just under 2cm dilated and 80% effaced. (This was a Monday; the Friday before I was at 1cm and 70% effaced). My blood pressure was good. The midwife stretched my cervix (which is a way to help induce labor) and then I went home and continued pumping to also help induce labor.

About 4pm, I went to the bathroom and there was a huge gush of fluid that was definitely not urine. I called the center and they told me to come in, so I called John and he came home. We got all packed up and headed for the center. We got there at about 6:30 and she checked me. I was a little over 2cm and about 90% effaced, but she told us that she didn't think that it was amniotic fluid. She wanted to be sure, though, so we stayed for a few hours for her to check again. We went and ate at Subway and then walked around the University for a while - it was SO cold!! I was having contractions about every 4-5 minutes apart, but they were still not painful and just like the Braxton Hicks I'd been having for over a month. She checked me again at about 9-9:30 and I was still at 2cm and this time she could feel my amniotic sac, so she was sure that it hadn't broken. She explained that it was probably cervical fluid, a reaction that sometimes happens when the cervix is stretched, as she had done earlier that day. She thought it was possible that I was in early labor though, and that I'd be coming back later that night or maybe in the early morning, but couldn't say for sure. I told her that I wanted to go home and try to sleep in my own bed until I needed to come back. Even though we live an hour away, I thought it worth the drive since I expected to be in labor for at least 24 hours.

On the way home, I started to have painful contractions. They weren't too bad though, and I still thought I could get some sleep... I was wrong. I laid down in bed for a few minutes, but quickly got up so that at least John could get some sleep. I laid in the recliner from then (probably around 11) until about 12:30. I was having contractions roughly about 5-7 minutes apart. I was timing by just looking at the time on my phone every time and so it wasn't very accurate or precise, but I guess I still thought I had a long time to go. About 12:30 I got up and turned the light on, (and dropped and broke the lamp) admitting there would be no sleep for me that night. I moved to the loveseat as the contractions were getting worse and worse. About 1am I got up to go to the bathroom and saw blood... I freaked out. I knew, of course, that there was such a thing as bloody show and that it was normal, but nonetheless, it freaked me out. I was tired and a little out of it, a being very reminiscent of my miscarriage. So I called Betty and she said that a little blood was ok, and asked about my contractions. Since they were 4-6 minutes apart, she asked if I was ready to come in. I told her I'd wait a while longer, I didn't want another false alarm and thought I'd be more comfortable at home anyway.

John woke up while I was talking to her (I was surprised to find out he hadn't woken up when I broke the lamp!) and he came in the living room to be with me. I started timing more efficiently using a contraction timer from the internet. They were all coming at 5 minutes or less and were a minute long. I called Betty again at 2am (an hour later) and told her I was ready to come in. The drive up there was long and hard. It seemed like my contractions were more frequent, 3-5 minutes. I was afraid John would get pulled over because we were the only ones on the road and I think he was speeding just a bit. We listened to KERA but I don't remember what it was about. I tried to focus on my hands during contractions to keep from focusing on the pain.

We got to the birth center about 3am and Betty already had the tub filling. She checked me right away. I was at 3-4 cm and when she told me that, I almost started crying because I was hoping and expecting to be further along. I got in the tub and Betty put in my IV for the antibiotics. The water was very relaxing and it helped with the contractions... for a little while. I kept getting too hot, so I'd get out and then I'd get too cold. And I'd freeze when I had to get out long enough to go to the bathroom. I finally got out and laid on the bed in my bathrobe. I was laying in bed on my side for I don't know how long when Betty came in and offered to administer a shot of Nubain, a painkiller. I remember being surprised because they said they discourage the use of pain killers, even though they have them there if they need them. I said no at first because I wanted to do it without any kind of drugs at all, but at the very next contraction I completely caved in. It made all the difference in the world... I think my labor would have been a completely different story if I hadn't had it. The Nubain took the edge off the contractions and made it to where I could actually relax in between them. I hadn't realized how much tense I was and how much it was hurting in between contractions too until I had the Nubain. I then laid on the bed some more, just riding the contractions like waves. After the Nubain, it felt like it was really long between contractions, although John says they were never more than 3-4 minutes apart, and I have no idea how long I laid there. The contractions were still so painful I'd scream for each one, but I was so relaxed in between. Eventually, Betty checked me again and I was at a 5. She made me turn over to my other side - I didn't want to, but I did. I felt like I was in another place. I was just dimly aware of my surroundings and I wasn't really aware of the passage of time.

The next time Betty checked me, I was at a 6 or a 7 and she said she wanted me to try the ball. Or maybe she moved me to the ball at 8cm, I'm not sure. I didn't know why she kept telling me to change positions, and I sure didn't want to. But as dim as everything other than my contractions were, I wasn't able to protest much and I trusted her expertise, so I did what she told me. The ball was torture. It was way too low, so I ended up standing up during contractions. That's when they got really bad and they got to my back and pelvis and legs. I thought I was going to die. She gave me another half dose of Nubain - I don't remember it making a difference this time. She finally told me I was having back labor and the baby's head was turned wrong... I'm so glad she didn't tell me before that, because I hadn't known the difference since I've never been in labor before, and had I known it was back labor, I think it would have psyched me out and I would have been worried about it.

I think she only told me because she needed to start to try to turn the baby's head manually... during contractions!!!! She was having some trouble getting her to turn and when I was probably about 8cm - or maybe 9, I don't know - she said she felt my amniotic sac bulging and that it would probably relieve some pressure if she broke it. I hadn't let her break it until then because supposedly breaking it can speed things up, but also makes the contractions more intense. I agreed to let her break it since I was so far dilated and since she said it would alleviate some pressure. I could not believe how much amniotic fluid came out! The ultrasonographer and the midwife both had told me that day that I had a lot of amniotic fluid, so I understood and didn't get scared, but it felt like it just kept coming and coming.

After a while longer, Lynne and Jean showed up. I was concentrating and in a groove and I remember being afraid they were going to change the energy of the room. It made me realize it was morning already and I thought I was going to be so distracted by daytime goings-on, but after that I hardly noticed anything at all. I found out later there was someone else that went into labor that morning and was there at the same time as me, but I had no idea at the time. Lynne came in and sat on my left and John was at my right. Lynne suggested going to the toilet to turn the baby - her favored position for the process. Again, I didn't want to go, but I went. They had me sit facing the wall and put a pillow on the back of the toilet. It was very comfortable and I was glad I had moved. A few minutes later, I heard water leaking and thought I was peeing. It kept going though, and I was surprised how much I was peeing and how I couldn't even feel it. Then I felt water soak my right foot and at the same time I heard Lynne or Betty say the toilet was leaking. I remember being disappointed to have to take off my socks and a little reluctant to leave the toilet. I don't remember having any contractions there (John told me I had one and he thinks that's what caused the toilet to leak). I do remember being so comfortable against the pillow.

I moved back to the bed and soon I guess I got to 9-9.5cm and the baby's head was having trouble getting through the last bit of my cervix. Betty told me to start pushing during contractions and she would reach in and help stretch the cervix around her head as I pushed - I don't think I was really pushing very hard, if at all - it was all I could do to get through the contractions. Finally, she her head was all the way through my cervix and it was time to start pushing to get her out.

Lynne was on my left and John was on my right again. They each held a leg while I pushed. The contractions hurt the most at first when I had to start the push and at the end when I felt like my behind was going to explode. While I was actually pushing in between the start and finish it was more bearable, although it was really hard work. It seemed to go on so long and I felt like I was pushing and pushing and making no progress. I remember becoming aware that I was having two problems: one, I was pushing with my chest and face and not my abdomen, and two, I wasn't pushing as hard as I could because I was afraid my behind was literally going to explode. I thought I went to the bathroom several times but they said that I didn't. I was also aware I was going to burst the blood vessels in my face - which I did. I kept wanting to push with my head back, not chin down, but they wouldn't let me. I also wanted to push while blowing out, but they wouldn't let me do that either. I was supposed to hold my breath, take a quick breath and then push again until I took another quick breath all the way through each contraction.

After realizing the things I was doing wrong and that I wasn't going to make any good progress I let go of the fear that I would burst my face and my behind and tried to focus on pushing hard from down low. I was going to get that baby out, happen what might to the rest of my body. I also started to try to ease into each push more slowly because it hurt the most at the beginning and the end. Once I made a bit more progress, it felt different on my bum and I no longer felt like it was going to explode.

They started to see the head during contractions and told me that she had lots of black hair - boy was I shocked!! I was happy to hear they could see her head though, and thought I was almost done. I wasn't. I was so tired, and I know I said "I can't" a few times in there. Betty kept saying, "come on Megan, yes you can," or "you have to". She said it with a tone of voice that said, "be realistic, don't give me that, you know you can." And I did. And I could.

So I realized I had to push harder. Or that the harder I pushed, the sooner she'd come out and I'd be finished. I was so tired, but I pushed harder. I think I even started to push until after some of the contractions were over, but I'm not sure. Finally, she crowned. I didn't realize it then, but John said that this whole time, Betty was massaging me with olive oil. I am so grateful for this, and when I think about the fact that this is probably why I didn't tear, I just get so touched. She took care of me.

I pushed and pushed and finally, I felt the head pop out. What a relief!! I thought I was done, but they told me I had to push again, it was just her head. I pushed again and felt the rest of her come out so fast. True relief!!! Wow. They put her up on my chest with a towel over her. I was out of it and so tired and just wanted to rest. I was uncomfortable and so exhausted I couldn't move to readjust myself, especially with the baby on my chest. The umbilical cord was resting on my sensitive parts down there and I wanted Betty to move it, but she said she couldn't/wouldn't until it stopped pulsing. I would move it off to the side but it just kept going back to the sensitive parts. I don't think she realized I just wanted her to at least hold it up off of that area for me until she could cut it, and I didn't have the presence of mind or the energy to explain it to her. Then they were telling me to push again, but I told them no. Flat out no. Come on Megan, you have to. They wanted me to push the placenta out. When I realized that was why, I gave one last push and it was out... Final relief!!! Double wow!!

Eventually they cut the cord. I think John asked me if I wanted to do it... no way!! All I wanted was to rest. I wanted someone to take the baby off of me for a minute so I could get resituated and so I could see her - I still hadn't seen her. They called her a butterball when she came out. And she didn't have black hair after all. It was just that her head was so purple during labor I guess. I also remember Lynne massaging my uterus afterward. It hurt the first time and she had to kind of punch me, but the next few times it wasn't so painful and she didn't have to do the punch.

They finally took her to do her tests and I guess... and the rest is really foggy. I think it went something like this: I think they left John and the baby and I alone in the room and I got to see her really well for the first time. He laid her back on my chest and she found my nipple and suckled for a short time. The next clear memory I have is them putting a diaper on her and getting her dressed and me videoing it from where I was laying on the bed (I couldn't get a good angle but I couldn't get up yet either). After a while, I think I finally had the energy to get up and go to the bathroom at some point. They told me it would sting, but it didn't (thanks to Betty I think). I remember Lynne telling me not to worry if I didn't have a bowel movement for a few days, that was normal and it would come. I was grateful for that too, otherwise I would have worried.

After that I think is when I ate the Subway sandwich I had brought. I was STARVING. It could have been the other way around, food first, then bathroom, I don't know. John laid on the bed with the baby while I ate. We talked about what to name her and decided on Ellen Sophia Collins. It took us 9 months to decide on a name, but I am so very happy with it. It's a beautiful name and she's such a beautiful baby.

Then John got our stuff together and we got ready to leave. On the way home, I sat in the back with the baby and when she started crying, I let her suck on my pinky finger the rest of the way home.

As we were getting ready to go, John asked me if I would do labor naturally again, and I said no. Even just a few short hours later though, I realized there is just absolutely no other way I would do it. Labor and the delivery of my precious Ellen was one of the greatest experiences of my life. I felt it all, I felt her head come out and I felt her body come out, and the difference between the two. I pushed and I labored and I entered another place. I did it. It was an amazing experience, one I shared with my baby, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'm also proud of myself for getting through the worst pain and the hardest labor I've ever endured. And that's what it was... labor. Now I understand the term.

And Betty and Lynne made it such a great experience. I am so grateful to them. They took care of me and helped me and encouraged me and cared about me. I think that in a hospital, I would have probably ended up having a c-section because she was turned the wrong way. And I think I would have torn or had to have an episiotomy. But because of Betty's care and expertise, I had neither one. She manually turned the baby and she massaged me the whole time with olive oil so that I didn't tear. I can't express how grateful I am to her. I got teary-eyed when I saw her the first time after labor for my 3-day visit.

Now I'll post it...

Still. Waiting.

Two Words

Bed. Rest.

Huh??? ME???

Ok, so I was gonna post a blog titled two words: still. waiting. And while that is still. true., I now have a more important two words in my vocabulary. This is the last thing I ever, ever expected. Ever.

I had my weekly appointment today and was all prepared to hear, "you're not dilated at all and nothing is happening, see you next week..." but that is not even close to what happened. First of all, I had trace protein in my urine, which she said by itself is pretty normal and nothing to worry about. But then later when she took my blood pressure, she kinda frowned a bit and then told me that it was high... and that she wanted me to be on bed rest. She then took a reading again while I was laying down and it was lower. This, she said, is why I needed to stay down.

"And I do mean bedrest," she said, just as I was thinking she was being a bit extreme. Great.

It's not terribly high, it's really just above the cut-off where it turns from pre-hypertension to hypertension, but that coupled with the protein (which again, is also just a trace) is pre-eclampsia, which can get serious. To be precise, she never said the word pre-eclampsia. 've I just read online that the combination of protein in the urine and high blood pressure is what the diagnosis of pre-eclampsia is based on. She said to stay on bedrest at least until Monday (my next appointment) but probably until I deliver. They are also going to do a biophysical profile on Monday to make sure that everything is a-ok with the baby. This checks the baby's heart rate, muscle tone, movement, breathing rate, and the amount of amniotic fluid around the baby. They usually do this routine if you get to 41 weeks, which I will be on Wednesday, but I think she scheduled it for Monday because of the blood pressure. She might have done it sooner had it not been Friday... I don't know.

Fortunately, I got almost all the loose end tasks on my to-do list completed yesterday - including some cleaning - and so I'm not freaking out about stuff left undone. Not that I like the idea of not being able to get up and do stuff... there's still plenty I could do and want to do, but I got the essential stuff done yesterday. Phew! What luck in timing! I'd be in a much different frame of mind today had I not gotten those things done.

So that's the bad news. The good news is that I am not at zero - YAY!!! - I am 70% effaced, dilated to 1cm, and the baby's head is at a -1 (which is almost half way to the finish line!!!) I was also having contractions last night that were enough to wake me up when they happened. So early labor is under way... although theoretically it could still be another week or more before I deliver. The midwife seemed to be talking like I might go into labor this weekend, so when we were almost done, I asked her if she thought that I might, and she said, "well, you might..." and I said, "but it could also be another week or so, huh?" and she laughed and said "yup."

She told me to use a breast pump for 30 minutes three times a day which will stimulate the hormone oxytocin, which is what causes contractions. I tried it when I got home and boy did it ever! The contractions I felt while I was pumping were really strong... they are still happening somewhat, but not nearly as strong.

There are two full-time midwives at the center that I have had all my appointments with and gone through the birthing class with and gotten to know pretty well and feel really comfortable with. One weekend a month, they have an alternate midwife on call so that they can both have the weekend off. Normal procedure is that at least once during your pregnancy, you have an appointment with this alternate midwife so that you can meet her for in the event that she is the one who ends up delivering your baby. Somehow, I never got this appointment with her, so I've never met her. Well, she's on call this weekend, so if I do go into labor, she will be delivering the baby. It's gonna be a little weird. I'd be a lot more concerned about it except that when I was about 20 weeks I had some really bad cramps one weekend and called the midwife on call and fortunately, that too happened to be her weekend. I liked her - at least over the phone - and so I'm not too worried about the prospect of her delivering our baby. It will be a little weird though, like I said. I hope it goes okay with her if I end up in labor this weekend... not that I would choose to wait for one of the other midwives if I had the choice - I'm ready to meet this baby!!

All Baby?

Friday I had another appointment. This time I saw the other midwife and she gave me some better news than the week before. She estimated that the baby was between 7lbs and 7.25lbs. So maybe I won't have such a big baby after all. She also checked to see if I was dilating at all and I'm not. No surprise there though, I guess. And she said that they can use breaking my water as a method of induction as long as they have already started the antibiotics... YAY!! I guess that means that I only have about 2 weeks (and three days, but I'm ignoring those three for now) maximum until she arrives. Hopefully much less.

Yesterday we went to the stock show. It was fun although it tired me out pretty quick and I got a migraine half way through it. There is something just not right about walking through and among a bunch of cows and pigs eating a big old corn dog. Not just that it's meat... but that it's all the leftover meat too. And seeing the whole animal it's a lot easier to imagine just where those parts are coming from... I tried not to think about it, but it was still just a bit disturbing. The other thing that was pretty disturbing was how expensive everything is!! $6 for a funnel cake that didn't even fill the plate!! I didn't get it, nor did I get the $3 refill on the $5 coke that they told me was refillable... the only reason I bought it!! But overall, it was really fun and John really enjoyed it too, especially the hereford show.

After we got home, I laid down because of my headache and I was having a whole bunch of really strong contractions... I was hoping I was going into labor, but alas, here I sit - still pregnant. The nap I took helped a lot with my headache - it was one of the shortest migraines I've ever had - but I think it kept me up last night. I was cleaning the house at 9 and though I tried to go to bed at 11 (way past when I usually go to sleep) I just could not sit still - I was wired. I laid there fidgeting and twitching for about an hour and finally had to get up and go to the gym to walk. I walked for about 40 minutes and stopped because my back finally started to hurt too much. I still felt wired on the way home, but at least I was able to sleep after that. People have told me you get a burst of energy before you go into labor, but I don't think that was what it was. I think it was the nap I took and beyond that, just coincidence. I'm not having contractions today (sigh).

My question of the day is this: what do you say when someone tells you that you are all baby? I mean, is that a compliment? Do you say thank you? Presumably, they are telling you this as a way of telling you, "you got a big ol' belly, but you don't look fat or anything..." which is probably supposed to be a compliment, but it feels a bit weird saying thank you to that. And if it's not meant as a compliment, what is the appropriate response? It always feels like it requires a response, but I have never have any idea what to say...

39 weeks and counting!!

Phew! I'm 39 weeks!! I can't believe I only have one week left until I officially hit my due date!! I've been meaning to sit down and write since way last Saturday (a week and a half ago) after my shower, but I just haven't seemed able to get to it. I'm still trying to whittle down my to-do list of things that I need to do before I go into labor, but I just can't seem to ever get completely done. One thing done and another pops up.

My sisters and mother did a really great job throwing my shower and it went off really well. There were a lot of people there and everyone was so very generous. It was really nice to see everyone - some I haven't seen in a while. And it was a good mix of people... it seemed just about everyone had someone there they knew and could talk to, so I didn't find myself worrying about people being uncomfortable or not having a good time.

I spent all day that Sunday trying to get everything organized and put away, among working on my to-do list, and still didn't finish. I worked an hour or so (all I could manage after work and dinner and before bed) each night last week and then on Saturday too and finally got pretty much finished except for packing. I worked on that part of Sunday, but mostly relaxed instead.

And Friday I had another appointment. I found out that I am a carrier for strep B. This isn't really a big problem, just more of an inconvenience. It means that I need to take a shot of antibiotics during labor so that I will pass the medicine on to her through the placenta and she will be protected as she goes through the birth canal. If I don't get the antibiotics shot, she still only has about a 1 in 200 chance of contracting strep, which is way worse for her - it can cause meningitis. But with the antibiotics, she only has a 1 in 4000 chance of getting it. The biggest inconvenience, which may not even be an issue is that if I go past my due date, they can't (or won't) use breaking my water as a way to induce. Breaking the water is probably the single strongest natural thing they can do, so it kinda sucks to take that option away, but I it's better than risking her getting strep and/or meningitis. The reason they won't is because once the water breaks, the chance of bacteria of any kind reaching the baby is way higher. This isn't necessarily the problem either, I don't think (because it's going to eventually break on it's own anyway) but what if they break it and it doesn't work to induce labor? They could break it and I still might not start labor for another few days, during which time she'd be extremely vulnerable to the strep I'm carrying. But anyway, I'm hoping to go into labor without induction - natural or otherwise - and preferably sooner rather than later.

The midwife also told me she estimates the baby is 7 to 7.5 lbs right now... !!! What??? I was hoping she'd be no more than 7 when I had her!! I could conceivably go another 3 full weeks... that means she could weigh 9 pounds by the time I have her!! YIKES!!! However, she is just guessing by what she feels and could be way off. But I have decided to take two take home outfits... one newborn size (5-8 lbs) and one 0-3 month size (8-12lbs).

She also told me that she was laying in there with her back to my back, a position which is the cause of back labor (the most painful kind) and that I should spend more time on my hands and knees because her back is the heaviest part of her and gravity will pull her around. I have found this a rather pointless exercise though - first of all, her back is usually facing my belly anyway, and second of all, she spins around all the time on her own. By laying a certain way or by getting on my hands and knees, I can sometimes get her to spin toward the front if she's not already, but she'll just spin back around as soon as she feels like it. I don't really worry too much about it though, for two reasons. First, like I said: she's usually got her back toward my belly, and second: as long as she can spin around by herself so easily, there's just no point in worrying about it.

Just before Christmas, we had maternity pictures made by a girl I went to highschool with, who is now a photographer. She's very talented - if you ever need a photographer for anything, I recommend her. Here's the link:

http://ardenpruchablog.com/megan-john-babybump/

Surprise!!!

So a little before Christmas a girl at my office (Kate) told me she had bought me a baby gift and wanted to go to lunch sometime so that she could give it to me. This thrilled me... not because of the gift, but because she had asked me to lunch. I'm a little shy, so sometimes it's hard for me to make friends. So we settled on Jan. 7th - she said that after the holidays worked best for her and that she was pretty busy with a project at work for a while.

Meantime, I was busy agonizing over who from the office to invite to my baby shower. I wanted to invite Kate, since she had already told me that she had bought me a gift, and another lady who also told me the same. But if I invited them, I felt I should invite some others that I know pretty well, but I'm pretty new there and there are a lot of people I'm acquainted with, but don't know very well. I didn't want to not invite them and risk offending someone, but at the same time, it wasn't a regular party - a shower is designed for the person to receive gifts, that's the whole point. So it felt kind of weird to invite people I barely knew to give me a gift. I ended up inviting some and not inviting some others who I knew less or felt less comfortable with.

After the holidays, it was really hard to get back into the groove of working every day - we had two short weeks and two long weekends in a row and it was so nice. Thursday finally came around though, and Kate and I left for lunch a few minutes before noon. Kate asked me what I thought of Mimi's Cafe and I told her I'd never been there. She hadn't either but had heard it was pretty good, so we decided to try it. We got to the restaurant and saw the HR lady from work getting out of her car and going in. "Oh, there's Claudia!" I said and waived. Kate responded, "hm, that's weird, maybe she's interviewing someone here today..." Huh? Aren't interviews usually done at the office? But I didn't say anything because I didn't want to be argumentative and I sure had no real idea how Claudia does her interviews...

So we get out and walk in and Kate walks up to the hostess stand and says she has a reservation for Megan. "You made a reservation???" I asked, incredulously. "Yeah, I just wanted to make sure we got a table so we could get back in time..." Hmm... this girl really plans ahead, I thought.

Until we walked into the back room and I saw a big table full of faces I recognized from work! It was a baby shower! I couldn't have been more surprised. The ladies at work were so sweet and so generous! Even some of the girls that I didn't know (and didn't invite to my shower... yikes!) brought gifts. I was a little uncomfortable and a lot worried about this because they were being so nice as to buy gifts, but I didn't invite them to my shower. I worried about this during the whole lunch-shower, but later I stopped worrying because I guess it's different for them to decide to buy me something for a work shower than for me to invite them to a personal shower, thereby pretty much asking them to buy me a gift.

Almost ready!

We got so much done this weekend!! We were literally about 15 minutes away from walking out the door to buy nursery furniture when my sister called to offer us all of theirs. Crib, dresser, changing table, and rocker. So we spent the day moving in furniture and organizing all the stuff my other sister had already given us. So many people have been so generous to us and we are very fortunate.

And I finally hunkered down and ordered diaper stuff... took me way longer than I intended. I started at about 7-7:30 wanted to get to be in bed by 8. That turned to 8:30. Which turned to 9. Let's just say my bedtime changed in half hour increments until about 10:30. But I got it all done and that's what matters. And then I dreamed about diapers all night long... well the parts where I was asleep anyway. Last night was one of those nights where neither one of us slept very well.

So we're just about ready. Some of the major things we have yet to do are pack for labor, rearrange our room to make a place for the bassinet, set up carseats, figure out birth announcements, find a pediatrician, and do all the things I want to do before leaving for the birthing center: grocery shop, laundry, and clean the house. I want to come home to a nice clean house with our new baby. And we still have some other baby supplies left to buy, but at least now we have a place to put them all! YAY!!

And alas, my new-found patience from the other day is starting to wear off just a teeny tiny bit. Okay, a lot. I'm pretty much back to obsessing. But at least I have retained some of the new motivation that came with it. I still have a gargantuan appetite that makes it hard to not eat everything in sight (especially the sweets!) but I have started drinking my tea again and doing some of the exercises that are supposed to prepare me for labor. Oh and I stumbled on some information yesterday about magnesium that has made me decide to risk more leg cramps: it is used to slow or stop contractions in preterm labor. Granted, I'm taking way less than they'd use for that, but far be it from me to knowingly hinder my labor in any way.

Forever turns into an instant!!

No, I didn't go into labor. But my mindset has done a complete 180. It started with me obsessing about having this baby driving me absolutely crazy. And so, for lack of anything better to do about it, I started reading other peoples' blogs about their ninth month and realized that I am not nearly as miserable as I could be. I'm pretty lucky actually. And then I stumbled onto a blog from an L&D nurse chastising all the women who complain about being sick of being pregnant, especially those who induce or schedule early c-sections. It wasn't just the blog itself, it was all the comments from the women who couldn't carry their babies full term. Some of them talked about how much worse it is to leave your baby at the hospital in NICU when you go home than to be uncomfortable pregnant. Others never got to take their babies home.

Yeah, I feel a bit guilty for not being more grateful for what I have. Like I said, I could have it a lot worse. So anyway, I stopped obsessing about labor and made peace with the fact that I just have to wait. And then I started thinking about how little it really is that I have to wait - she's almost only three weeks away, and somehow, for some reason, three weeks sounds infinitely different from four. Four weeks is a month. Three weeks is, well, no time at all!! Oh. My. God!!! I am going to have a baby in three weeks!! There's so much left to do!!!!