four... weeks... left... sigh.

I am losing steam. For so long I was so good about doing all the things I should... eating right, exercising, drinking my raspberry tea, avoiding too many sweets, blah, blah, blah, but now I just feel so over it. I know I should consider myself really lucky - there have been a lot of pregnancy symptoms that I haven't had to deal with and I am still not completely miserably uncomfortable (though true comfort seems a thing of the long ago past) even if I am getting there. I am starting to have more and more trouble sleeping and my whole body hurts. I just want a good nights sleep, chocolate, a drink, and a cigarette. And no, I don't even smoke. Pretty much I just want to over-indulge in any and every physical comfort you can think of. Apparently, I'm not the first one to feel this way...
I am finally considered full term and can have her any time with no complications and I am starting to obsess about labor. Not as in scared of it, but as in, PLEASE COME!! I also obsess about the baby dropping - not because it sounds comfortable in the least to have a head wedged into your pelvis - but because it's one step closer to labor. Every Braxton Hicks contraction or bodily pain I feel - even in my little toe - and I find myself desperately wishing it were true labor. I hope against hope though: I'm pretty sure I'll carry all the way through to the bitter end... and then some. It's just how we Sagers are built. It's a good thing I know, and I know it's better for the baby. I shouldn't complain.

I have started to dream about her at night. I used to sleep so hard (in between my 5-6 bathroom trips per night) that I don't even know if I dreamt. But now that I am more awake at night - even in my sleep - I remember dreaming about her. Last night I dreamed she was a newborn, but yet telling me how to take care of her.

John is such a great husband. Without ever once complaining, he patiently puts up with me when I complain, comforts me when I get emotional, ignores me when I get up five or six times a night - every night - even though he's such a light sleeper and the floor is squeaky right by his head, massages my cramps away when I wake up screaming in the middle of the night, ties my shoes now that I can't get at them very easily anymore, does the dishes just about every night, and is just the most supportive and greatest husband I could ever have hoped for.

Orange Sherbet!!!

Today I had my first go-out-and-get-it craving. Orange sherbet. I've had normal cravings during this pregnancy... I always crave sweet stuff, pregnant or not, but I haven't ever gone out to get anything or sent John to get anything, and it's never cravings that I just have to fulfill. In fact, I've given in to fewer cravings than I would have had I not been pregnant... I'm determined to gain only the weight I'm supposed to. But today John drove me to Braum's and bought me some orange sherbet. Mmm... so good.They say leg cramps are pretty common in pregnancy. I've had a few times over the past couple months where I have woken half way up and thought, hmmm, that kinda hurts a little bit and rolled over to go back to sleep. I didn't really get why people made such a big deal about leg cramps... until the other night when I woke up screaming in pain. Poor John didn't know what was going on. It was excruciating and I was frozen with pain (except, of course, my vocal chords). I couldn't move my leg to stretch it out and I couldn't sit up to use my hands because my big old belly was in the way (getting up from a laying position these days takes considerable effort). All I could do was scream. John woke up - obviously - and thankfully stretched it out and then massaged it some. Then it happened a few hours later on the other leg. Again, all I could do was scream. If labor is that bad, I'm in for some real trouble!!! This happened maybe Monday night and my calves are still sore from it. However, that very day I went out to buy a magnesium supplement because I heard that could be a cause and thankfully haven't had any more leg cramps. Whether it's because of the supplement or not, I guess I'll never know, but I guarantee I won't stop taking it until after this is all over.

Playa del Carmen

We just got back from Mexico where it was nice and warm and beautiful. We went down for a wedding on the beach and it was absolutely beautiful! We stayed at the all-inclusive luxury hotel where the wedding was and it was really nice. I've been watching what I ate pretty closely through this pregnancy, but the food there was great and I indulged in dessert at just about every meal... the desserts there were to die for. I figured there was so much I couldn't do that I wanted to that I was going to let myself at least enjoy the decadent desserts they had.

We were going to go on a snorkeling trip because we couldn't go scuba diving, but decided not to when John remembered and reminded me how horribly bumpy the boat ride can be getting out to the snorkel site. It's painful on your pelvis and tailbone even when you're not pregnant!! We did snorkel off the shore though, and though I didn't expect to see anything but sand (we've tried snorkeling off shore before with never any luck) we ended up seeing some pretty cool stuff. There was a huge school of some really small silver fish just hanging out and swimming around. We swam through them and they just parted around us. And there were two swordfish-looking things circling lazily above this huge school of fish... I don't know if they were hunting or what, but they seemed to be just kinda hanging out too and the little fish didn't seem too worried about them. They were about a foot and a half to two feet long and really skinny. Their snouts weren't super long, but long enough to scare me... I kept trying to get close and see them but everytime I did they'd turn and look at me and I'd have to scramble back real quick because I was scared they'd charge me. And we saw a few small but really pretty tropical fish. They were hanging around a head of coral at the bottom probably 10-12 feet down. Every time I'd get close to look, the little blue one would stop what he was doing and turn sideways to face upward and point his big old eye at me. It was pretty funny.

Flying was no problem, the midwives approved it and the airline had no restrictions either. (Delta is the only one I could find that doesn't). The only thing was that I think I didn't drink enough water the day we traveled down and so I had swollen feet and ankles for a day or so. And I've started having braxton hicks contractions. Sometimes I'm so miserable uncomfortable I think I could scream in frustration because I'm so ready to have her, other times I feel almost spry (very rarely though!!). Not to mention the fact that we are both so crazy excited to meet and hold our tiny little baby. They say the last month is hard and drags on, but I'm hoping that it'll go by quick. The holidays will help, I'm sure. This week is going to be super busy - we haven't even started Christmas shopping and we have yet to unpack and get resettled from the trip.

Diapers, Diapers, Diapers!!

I've had diapers on the brain all day. We are going to do cloth diapering and I have finally sat down to research it enough to know what we're going to try first. I've looked it up before, but there are about a thousand different varieties of cloth diapers, ways to diaper, and ways to launder. They still have old-fashioned flat diapers, that require clips and covers (and by the way there are several different kinds of those to choose from and many different ways to fold them and launder them too), but now they also have fitted diapers that require covers (all-in-twos), hybrid cloth/disposable diapers (g-diapers), and all-in-ones, which are basically just like disposables only you throw them in the wash instead of the garbage. Unless you choose all-in-ones, you then have to pick your cover, which can be anything from plain old vinyl, to polyester, to wool, to whatever. They come with velcro, loops and eyes, snappies, or other fancy fasteners - which ones will be easiest and last through all the laundering? No matter what kind of diaper you use, you also have to figure out what kind, if any, liners you want to use and how many liners you will need for daytime - or nap time - or night time. There's microfiber, microfleece, microchamois, hemp, cotton, wool, bamboo terry, bamboo velour, and on and on - or a combination of some or all of the above - each material with it's own strengths and weaknesses. Then there's cloth wipes to pick from and what kind of solution - if any - you are going to buy or concoct for these wipes. And how do you keep them warm? Will they fit in your wipe warmer? Some do, some don't.

And that's only picking out the diapers you are going to use. Then you have to worry about how to launder them. There's the dry pail method and the wet-pail method for home and then you need something for travel. And to choose the right laundry soap, you have to know which kind of material your diapers are made from. If you use the wrong kind of soap, you may ruin the diapers. Some diapers must be washed in warm water, some in extra hot. Some are line dry only, and some need extra cycles or longer drying time. You also have to be careful about using diaper rash cream, because if it gets on certain materials, it will ruin them. If your diapers get too much residue on them from using the wrong soap or diaper cream, sometimes you can strip the diapers by washing them in blue Dawn dish detergent. Wool diaper covers seem to be among the best, expecially for overnight, but sometimes you need to re-apply lanolin to them. Some recommend using vinegar in the wash cycle, some in the rinse cycle. Some websites say baking soda in the wash and vinegar in the rinse. Never, ever use fabric softener or dryer sheets. Do not use Dreft, even though there's a picture of a baby on the box. Do not use 7th Generation or most Free and Clear detergents. Woolite - if you can imagine - has an alkaline PH that may strip wool fibers, and Charlie's Soap can cause skin to burn.

My head is spinning.

So anyway, I am going to start out with Chinese pre-fold cloth diapers. These are basically rectangular pieces of cloth that are layered in the middle for extra absorbency. Supposedly they are much better than other versions of the same thing (there's European prefolds, Indian prefolds, ComPly prefolds, Babies Textile prefolds, gauze prefolds, cheap Walmart prefolds, regular Gerber prefolds and Gerber DSQ prefolds... and on and on). The biggest reason I'm going to start out with these is because they are $1.50 each rather than $17 - $25 each. Yes, that's right, each. Those fancy all-in-ones sound grand, but $20 each is pretty steep, especially when I don't know that the regular old pre-folds don't work just as well. Besides, I don't want to buy 30 newborn diapers (enough to last 2-3 days) at $20 that she will only wear for a month or two. Not only that, but I don't know which kind of all-in-one or all-in-twos that I might like. I'll try a few different kinds and if they're worth it, I might invest. But to start with, I'm going to go with the Chinese pre-folds from cottonbabies.com
http://www.cottonbabies.com/product_info.php?products_id=89

Diaper covers range from about $9 to about $46 (high dollar wool covers) I'm going to try a few different varieties of these as well to see which I like better. I also have a liner in mind I want to try. It's called a g-flapper and it's made with hemp, microfiber and microchamois. I'm pretty sure I am going to use cloth wipes too but I haven't decided yet whether I want to use a solution (some experts say plain water is best) and if so, what solution I might use.

I feel a lot better having made some progress in figuring out what kind of diapers I'm going to use. Now I just need to nail down the details of laundering all the products I have picked out... a task better left for another day.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

YAY!! We worked hard over the long weekend and finally got the nursery painted! We also finished pulling up the carpet and we are now ready to start getting organized for Baby Collins!! We still don't have much to put in there, but it's nice to get what we do have out of the living room.

The birthing class is still going good - I look forward to it every week. We have learned several pain coping techniques, but mostly they are trying to prepare us emotionally I think. They do a lot of answering questions and addressing emotional blocks that we may have that might slow us down or get in our way during labor, and they give us lots of information about possible interventions and why they might need them and what they might do.

Baby Collins is getting really big and she is still acting like a little gymnast in there. She's head down every time we have an appointment, but she spins and kicks furiously. She doesn't keep me up at night (I usually sleep like a rock) but I know she's in there kicking because John feels her at night. Supposedly, she's about 17 inches and almost 4 pounds.

We had a good Thanksgiving but I wish I'd have been able to eat more!! It gets uncomfortable and hard to breathe after a big meal, but it's probably better that I didn't eat as much as I wanted to!! And the long weekend was nice... now that we finished the nursery, I can start on the rest of the list of things to do before her arrival. I can't wait!!

The First Birthing Class

Our first class went really well. There are 13 couples in our class which made it really crowded since it was in the midwife's living room. Half of the couples ended up having to sit on the floor and - although this is selfish - I'm glad we weren't one of them. We got there early enough to get a loveseat and in other days I might have offered to switch with someone at least half way through, but just the thought of sitting on the floor made my back hurt. John made a move to sit on the floor, but I didn't let him since the loveseat was really more like an oversized plush chair and we were squished up against each other... I'd have been super uncomfortable squished up against a complete stranger. They are going to split the class in two though and have another one on Thursday nights. Phew!

John and I got there at 6:30 expecting an hour long class, but by 7:10 they hadn't really even gotten started... they had just had some lady talking to us about herbs and natural remedies and natural care. It was very interesting but we were very confused when they started to sound like they were going to start the real stuff 20 minutes before time to go. I don't know where in the world we got the idea it was only an hour long class, but it turns out it's a 2.5 hour class. I'm glad it was, I think it will be great and much more worth the drive and the money, but it was a bit of a surprise.

The rest of the class was basically just question and answer, and boy did people have a lot of questions, including us. It was really helpful and informative and very good to get other peoples' perspectives and questions.

There was a girl there who wanted a natural childbirth but was doing it in a hospital anyway because that was where her insurance would cover her, so she was just taking these prep classes with the midwife. She was 30 weeks - one week ahead of me - and her doctors had already told her she was breech and scheduled a c-section "just in case". I couldn't believe it... not that they had scheduled a c-section for a breech baby, but that they had convinced her 10 weeks early that she had a problem pregnancy and would probably need a c-section. Everything I have read said that babies are often breech right up until a couple weeks before the due date (sometimes even turning just before labor) and that is perfectly normal... she has TEN weeks to go!! The poor girl was so worried and so stressed out about it and I felt so bad for her. I don't know where my baby is (I'm always trying to guess at what body parts I feel when she moves) but she moves so much that I can't imagine she'll be in the same position in 10 weeks. Maybe her baby doesn't move much, I don't know. The midwife said that they don't even start checking for breech until 32 weeks and that there are several things they can do to try to turn the baby before resorting to c-section. This is exactly why I don't want to give birth in a hospital... I want to avoid a c-section or other complications by trying everything possible first and I just simply don't trust a hospital to exhaust other options. They have a schedule and a budget to follow, and c-sections are convenient and profitable. Now, I'm not saying that c-sections are never necessary, and I'm definitely not saying I don't want one if I really do need one. What I'm saying is that I think a lot of doctors and/or hospitals schedule them as a first resort instead of a last resort, and I don't want to have that doubt, worry, and suspicion in my head while I'm trying to give birth. I know I say a lot about hoping I can handle it without an epidural... and I do. I know perfectly well I have no idea how much it's going to hurt and that it's probably going to be the worst pain of my life. But I feel confident that I can do it and every time I think of having her in a hospital I feel even more confident and convinced that I am making the right decision for me in having her at the birthing center instead. I don't think there's anything wrong with epidurals or pitocen or c-sections for other people if they want them, but I don't and that's why I know I am doing the right thing for me.

I'm looking forward to the next class. We have an appointment beforehand and I have to do my glucose test and I get to drink that yummy orange stuff... mm-mm-mmm!! I think they are also going to do some more blood tests and check for anemia and probably some other stuff again. They check that at the beginning and then again in the 3rd trimester.

And I just ordered a bunch of raspberry tea. We learned last week that if you drink it in the 3rd trimester, it can help with childbirth and help shorten the bleeding afterward. I can't seem to find any in stores... not even the Sunflower Shoppe or Central Market. Well, I found some herbal tea at CM that had some raspberry leaf in it, but it also had a whole bunch of other stuff too. I ordered pure raspberry leaf and some other herbal teas to mix it with (yes, all pregnancy-safe) and I'm looking forward to tinkering with recipes.

Things are good. I can't believe I am already in my third trimester. Time goes by so fast, and I have no idea where it goes. I intend to do something (ahem... post a blog) and don't quite get to it that day - next thing I know it's a month later. And with the holidays coming up, I'm sure this next couple of months is going to fly by even faster!

I am getting more and more excited to have this baby and see her face to face. It's only three months away!! I think I'm pretty much mentally prepared (I know, I know, you laugh at this) but I know that only goes so far, so maybe I should say I'm as mentally prepared as I'll ever be. But I am totally unprepared by way of supplies and such. I have a few things my sister has given me, but other than that I have nothing ready. There's a lot that I still need to get from my sister - a lot of the big stuff anyway - and then I just need to make a list of the little supplies I need and go shopping. Part of why I haven't gotten anything yet is that the baby's room still isn't ready. We need to be paint, clean, and take up the carpet. I was at Target the other day and thought I'd stop by and look at the baby section to see what they had... I almost had a nervous breakdown!! I feel like there's so much stuff to get and I have no idea what all I need or want. I keep reminding myself that I don't really need any of it except diapers, wipes, and a carseat and if there's anything else that I need, I'll realize it and go to the store. If I don't remember something or know about it, and never miss it, then I didn't really need it to begin with.

And we still haven't decided on a name. Hopefully we're getting closer. I say hopefully because we've already had it narrowed down to two or three twice before and now we are on our third set of two or three finalists. It's so hard to name someone!!

On the upside, my back problem has gotten a lot better. This last chiropractor that I went to told me he thought it was ligament and/or muscle related and not a bone problem whereas the first chiropractor had told me it was a twisted sacrum. I had found almost nothing on the internet about twisted sacrum, but I went home and looked up "sacroiliac joint pregnancy" after talking to this guy and found a ton of information. Supposedly it's pretty common to have this problem during pregnancy (although not usually so early in pregnancy). In a nutshell, the hormones in pregnancy cause your ligaments to loosen and sometimes the ligament around your sacroiliac joint gets too loose and causes problems. It's only supposed to move just a tiny bit and if it moves too much, it can be very painful. I read that a support belt worn around the pelvis would help keep it from moving too much and provide some relief. So I stopped going to the chiropractor (I only went twice and I didn't want him to make it worse) and wore one for about a week and a half and have been otherwise very careful with how I move and how I sit. I also changed chairs at work and my mom bought me a special pillow to sit on and it has just been getting better and better. I still have pain sometimes, but nothing even close to what it was before. THANK GOD!!


On the downside, I have been super clumsy lately. I went to lunch with a friend a few weeks ago and just before getting out of my car, I picked up my water and dropped it all over my lap. I sat through lunch soaked, but was almost dry by the time we were finished. Which is when I picked up my Dr. Pepper to refill it and dropped it all down the front of me. Very embarrassing. And this isn't an isolated occurrence either... this is what my life has become. That and getting tired really easily. In general, though, I'm feeling a lot better now than I was up until a few weeks ago. I stopped eating oranges and a few weeks later I stopped drinking milk and I feel a thousand times better now. It seems both of those gave me horrible stomach aches/problems.

We start our childbirth classes on Tuesday. I'm looking forward to it, although it's in Denton and I'm not really looking forward to that drive right at rush hour. I still wonder if I made the right decision about not having an epidural... I hope I don't live to regret it.

Human Trampoline

I have become a human trampoline. She is kicking like crazy and really hard too. It's fun to feel it, and it's fun to watch it when my belly jumps. I'm surprised she's so active and so strong. It's very comforting when she moves because I assume she's alright.

We haven't really done anything to prepare for her yet... We haven't done the nursery, picked a name, picked out furniture (I don't even really know what all we need!!!), found a pediatrician... basically we haven't done anything. I hope I'm not getting too far behind, although we still have 4 months left before she comes (hopefully!!) so I can't imagine that this stuff will take that much time.

I've had a pretty hard week this week. Not only is my back problem getting almost unbearable, but I have been having super-cramps. I woke up with them on Sunday and thought they'd go away but they never did. I ended up going home early from work and calling my doctor... she told me to take ibuprofen, drink a lot of water, and lay down and take it easy. Which I did and I got some relief. Monday was better but Tuesday they were back... I could barely stand up to walk to the bathroom. I called the doctor and moved my regular appointment up from Thursday to that day. She told me that she thought it was round ligament pain... supposedly pretty common in pregnancy. It's pain from when the ligaments that hold the uterus stretch out. I had no idea it could be or would be that bad. Like I said, I couldn't even stand up straight. Sitting down made it better, but then again, my back would flare up when I sat down. Good grief!

And I finally went back to a chiropractor for my back yesterday. I can't stand it anymore and if it continues to get worse as it has been, I am going to be bedridden for the last half of my pregnancy. I'm not even big yet!!! We'll see how it goes. Yesterday I felt a little better after the appointment - probably in part because I sat in my recliner and took it easy all day, but even when I would get up to go to the bathroom or something it didn't hurt like it usually does - but then later in the day I got up and did something horribly wrong while I was walking to my car and set it all off again. I had another appointment this morning so we'll see how it goes.

I am getting anxious to see her and hold her - I feel like I have so loooooooooooooong to wait though. And then when it's over, I'll probably miss feeling her inside me. It'll be worth it though to have her in my arms.

My Daughter

Oh. My. God. I have a daughter. A daughter... forever and all eternity. I feel her moving around inside of me, she is with me when I'm at work, she is with me when I sleep, and she is my daughter! No matter what happens, forever and always, I have a daughter. I have another one too, but I'll never know if it was a son or daughter and I never got to feel him or her inside me. This time, I know she's a girl and I know she's there because I feel her - she's no longer abstract. So somehow I feel like I already know her a little bit... she's mine (and John's of course) and I have something with her that no one else can ever, ever have. There are billions of pregnant women around the world and throughout history, and they all have that experience with their babies, but they can never have the experience that I have with my daughter. When she moves, no one knows but me and her. We are sharing a body and sharing blood and sharing nourishment... literally sharing life itself. And she will be mine forever and always and I already love her more than I can fathom... it is such a powerful emotion that I don't really know what else to say or do with it other than cry.

IT'S A GIRL!!

WE'RE HAVING A BABY GIRL!! She's 7oz. and approximately 7 inches long from crown to rump and looks very healthy. The sonographer looked at all her organs, her brain and heart, her fingers, toes, her face, everything. She also said that she has long slender feet with very little arch... I guess she has her daddy's feet!! Her hands and fingers are also long and slender.

We got lots of pictures and a video. My placenta is low (but not problematically low) and attached to the front of my uterus. Both the sonographer and the midwife said that a front-lying placenta can keep you from feeling movement very early, but this little girl must be a kicker because I've definitely felt her. The past couple days I have felt her moving around really, really strongly - stronger than ever before. She's really been kicking or punching me hard (for being such a little thing). I can't wait until John can feel it from the outside too and share it with me. It's such a cool feeling! The sonographer tried to get a better profile picture of her, but she wouldn't move her face away from my placenta, no matter what we tried. She had her little nose squished up against it.

We've been talking about names, but don't have one picked out yet. And we've talked a little about the colors for the nursery. I think neither one of us is really crazy about pink (although that could change, who knows?) and we have tossed around colors like lavender or really light aquamarine.

And I've started to eat more protein and less bread and fruit. I was eating every couple hours and feeling shaky and crappy in between each meal. I think I was getting too much sugar and not enough protein. It's going to be difficult, because I still can't even fathom eating cooked vegetables or chicken, *shudder*, which really limits what I eat because I'm not a very creative cook (or a very good one either). I feel much better already after only a few days. I don't feel shaky and crappy between meals, I don't eat as often, and I don't feel as heavy, yucky, and distended. You can probably tell from the picture that I'm feeling better...

We are both really, really thrilled that we got to see our little girl today. Driving to the ultrasound appointment was kind of like driving to the airport to see someone you haven't seen in so long and you are super excited to see. And it's really great to finally know that she is a girl and that she is healthy.

Big bellies seem so cute... until they're imminent.

17 weeks along and I feel like Jabba the Hutt. It's not so much size (although it's definitely bigger than ever) it's more like that feeling that you get after a day of eating nothing but junk and grease: heavy and full and thick and just plain gross. My belly still looks more like a beer belly than a pregnancy, and my regular clothes still fit (most of them were a bit loose to begin with) but this new belly is already uncomfortable sometimes. I can't imagine how uncomfortable it's going to be when it gets even bigger. Oof. It feels like there's no room to put food in there even though I might be really hungry... so I have a dilemma. Eat and feel stuffed like a pig and bloated and distended, or don't eat and feel like sh*t. Well, it's really not that much of a dilemma... I always choose to eat. About every couple hours.

How did my belly get so big compared to the other picture I posted from two weeks ago, you ask? Well, first of all, it did seem like it happened overnight. And second, I usually take my belly pictures in the most flattering way: in the morning, before I've eaten anything... a girl's gotta keep her pride, doesn't she? And that makes a big difference... The picture on the left is me just letting it all hang out after a full day of eating (so much for pride). The picture on the left is just yesterday morning... before eating. This is why I say I feel so distended and bloated and uncomfortable when I eat. What i find so weird is that the top is getting so big too. I expected it all to be in my lower belly but i guess my uterus is growing upward and packing all my organs like sardines into the top of my belly.

The whole point is, I used to think that pregnancy bellies were so cute and it would be so charming to have one. I'm starting to realize what it's really going to be like to have a big, uncomfortable belly (and I've only just begun!!), and I'm not so sure anymore it's going to be as charming as I thought... charming? What was I thinking!?!

Anyway, my fetal heart monitor came this week. It's definitely really loud in your ears and the distortion is unbelievably painful to hear. But, if you can sit still and not hold the thing (or even touch it) with your hands or anything else, it seems like it might just work. I'm only 17 weeks and supposedly it doesn't detect a heartbeat until 20-21 and then only if the baby's in a good position, so I'm not too surprised that I haven't heard it yet. I do hear noises coming from my belly, but as of now, I'm not able to distinguish with any certainty what is gas gurgles and what is possible baby movement. With the stethoscope, you can practically see the bubbles and know what couldn't possibly be baby, but it's not strong enough to pick up the baby movement (or at least I haven't heard anything with the stethoscope that I'd contribute to baby). With the monitor, everything is so loud, and it's electronic so almost all of it sounds the same. I'm going to give the thing a few more weeks before giving it a thumbs up or thumbs down.

And I've been having a horrible, horrible pain in my sacrum (the large triangular bone at the base of your spine) and right side of my bum. I finally went to a chiropractor on Tuesday because it got so bad Monday night that I couldn't walk, sit or stand with out excruciating pain. She told me that the sacrum is twisted to the right, but all she can do is pain management for now and we can work on correction after the pregnancy. Her two reasons were 1. she can't do an x-ray and 2. the pregnancy hormone relaxin, which relaxes muscles and ligaments to allow your pelvis to change shape, complicates things too much. Ugh. I don't have insurance and I can't afford pain management!!! I went twice though, and I think it's getting worse, not better, so I cancelled my appointment for today and don't plan on going back until I can get some kind of insurance. I'll just have to manage the pain the old-fashioned way: grin and bear it.

Nighttime Jumping Jacks

You would think that making a baby would tire a person out enough to where they'd sleep well at night. After all, something as simple as walking across the room can take it out of you sometimes. But a good night's sleep is just not in the cards for me. I don't know exactly how to describe it, it's like half the night, my head is out like a light, but my body is a hyperactive zombie. I toss and turn all night long and can't just lay still. But yet, when I get up to pee (which, unfortunately, is several times a night) I'm so out of it and sleepy I can barely stumble to the toilet and back. I feel like I have liquid lead in my veins instead of blood. Poor John, he's such a light sleeper and he has to put up with me flip-flopping all night like a fish out of water. And then, the other half the night, when my mind isn't black like I've had anesthesia, it's racing. I'm aware that I'm in this half-way world between sleep and reality and I'm thinking obsessively about one thing over and over or dreaming really vividly (and these are the times where I'm aware of all the jumping jacks... but just can't seem to do anything about it). I'll go to bed at 9 or 10 and wake up in the middle of the night thinking it must be like 5, only to find out it's only 11:30. Argh.

On a brighter note, I ordered a fetal heartbeat monitor the other day. They sell really, really cheap versions of a doppler at places like Target or Walmart. It was only 20 bucks. There were some really great reviews and some really bad ones... I guess it depended on whether or not the person could figure out how to use it or not - I think some of them didn't really follow the instructions and so couldn't get it to work. One of the reviews actually described how she couldn't hear anything because it was picking up all the movements from her hand that was holding the monitor in place... well, it comes with a strap because you're not supposed to hold it with your hand. I mean, how's it going to be sensitive enough to detect noise inside your belly but not detect a hand that's directly on it??? And it's not going to be like a doctor's doppler, it was 20 bucks for goodness sake!! Although, you can rent a real doppler for as low as 14/month so I might end up returning the cheap one and renting a real 0ne if it really doesn't work. Not because I need it, but because there's nothing else to do but wait. I want to do something. I'm waiting, rather impatiently, for the doppler to get here, but even once it does, I'll probably have to wait til week 20 or so to be able to hear anything baby related. I'm a pretty impatient person - I hate waiting. It's not a very fun trait to have during pregnancy - 9 months of just pure waiting. Waiting to find out if you're pregnant, waiting to see the first ultrasound, waiting to feel the movements, waiting to find out the sex. And then, after that, no more milestones, just wait, wait, wait for the baby.

So anyway, to pacify that impatience a bit til the doppler gets here, I borrowed my parents' stethoscope to see if I could hear the heartbeat, and wouldn't you know it? I couldn't. I hear nothing but regular old belly gurglings. To be fair, I'm only 16-1/2 weeks and they say that you can't really hear the heartbeat using a stethoscope until weeks 25-26 (grrrr!!) but I thought I'd give it a try anyway... (told you I'm impatient). I thought maybe I'd be able to hear it move around or something even if I couldn't find the heartbeat. But alas, I hear nothing baby-related at all. I haven't been able to listen during times when I can feel him/her move (which are still very few and far between and very faint). I'd listen all the time if I could, but the earpieces are really painful after oh, about a minute.

And it is impossible to find a picture of a fetus labeled correctly on the internet. How do I know this? I know this because you find the same picture labelled 14 weeks, 15 weeks, 18 weeks, and then, oh no, it's only 8 weeks! (this usually from anti-abortion advocates... don't get me wrong, I'm not choosing sides here, but get the facts accurate, people!!) So I am going to post a picture of about what our baby looks like these days, but I'm not going to say exactly how old the fetus in the picture is because I don't know - thanks to all the other bloggers and anti-abortion people out there who take a picture and label it whatever is convenient for them. But here's a picture of a fetus that, according to my best guess, based on the hundreds of hours of obsessive reading of pregnancy websites (I told you I'm not good at waiting!), is probably about 14-18 weeks old.

I tried finding a reliable website to pull it from, but all the medical websites only have drawings (or that's all I've found so far) which isn't quite what I'm looking for. You also get different information - not just different pictures - depending on what website you're looking at (even among the more reliable ones it seems). But, for the most part, they all say that this week our baby is about 4-5 inches long now from head to rump, can make facial expressions, hear sounds, and has tiny little fingernails, toenails, and fingerprints. It's simply amazing what's going on in there. The wait is well worth it.

The Baby Moved!!

Last night I felt the baby move!! I had just eaten some oatmeal and laid down to go to sleep and I felt a little flicker in the area of my uterus. My first thought was, !!Was that the baby??!! but then immediately I thought, nah, it couldn't have been - it's way too early for that! I wasn't expecting to feel anything til at least 18 weeks and no matter what I've felt in my belly, I've never thought it might be the baby. So I laid there quietly and waited for it to happen again. A little while later, I felt something again. It was the strangest sensation and it was in just the right area of my belly. It didn't feel the same as gas moving - it was so much more delicate and gentle and surreal. I waited some more, but nothing happened so I moved around and then held still to feel it... and it happened again!!! I moved again and yes, it happened again!!! After that, there was nothing, no matter how much I moved.

I lay in bed waiting for sleep, trying to figure out how to best describe the feeling. I came up with three ways. The first way I came up with is like when a fish nibbles at you or side swipes you underwater. The second way is if you were underwater and a bubble bumped into you and then bounced off. And the third way is like someone gently poking an organ (directly though - not from the outside). The description I like best is the bubble underwater description. I've heard people say it's like the wind or like butterflies, but that's definitely not how it felt to me. It was much more watery and less light and airy. I can, however, understand the description of a flutter (an underwater flutter though) or a tickle.

I woke up thinking about it this morning, and I laid there for a long time hoping to feel something. I felt nothing. I got up to eat breakfast and then laid back down to wait some more, but still nothing. I rolled around, I coughed, I prodded, and finally felt two tiny flickers. I finally got John to come in and yell right in front of my belly. Right after that, I felt another tiny little flicker and then nothing, even when he yelled a second time.

I was reading other people's accounts about it online this morning, and I found accounts similar to each of my three ways to describe it. I feel sure it was the baby and not gas. I guess I will know whether I was right or wrong in the coming weeks, but it just felt so different than gas or hunger pangs, and in a totally different place too. I am really surprised though that I felt it this early... I was thinking there's no way I'd feel it until 18 weeks or so! It was just the coolest feeling in the world and I can't wait to feel it again and again!!

15 Weeks... Already!

Well, I had my appointment today. We met a different midwife today than when we interviewed the center and I really like her a lot. She is the one who owns the birthing center and she's really great. She spent almost an hour and a half with us. She said that everything looks great and taught us how to feel my uterus... um, yeah, I still can't tell what's what. I will never understand how doctors/midwives, etc. know what they are feeling. She also found the baby's heartbeat (yay!!) and we heard the baby moving around. She said that we were hearing it when it moved against the doppler machine.

She also told us we were 15 weeks today (not 14-1/2 which was based on the first ultrasound from the last doctor). I guess 3 days doesn't really make that much difference in the grand scheme of things, but I got so used to Saturdays being the day I rolled to the next week that it kinda feels like cheating now to start using Wednesdays. I find differing opinions on the internet about which is more accurate... LMP or EDD from the ultrasound. I did find several sites which said that the EDD can be 7 days off in the first trimester (even more later on), so I guess I'll just change midstride and start going by the LMP. So YAY! I'm 3 days further along than I thought!! The only (minor) problem is that I've been taking my weekly belly pictures on Saturdays and I don't know whether to continue that or change that to Wednesdays. I guess at this point, it doesn't really matter because they all look pretty much alike so far anyway. Here's 8 weeks (left) compared with 14 weeks:

One good thing about the moved-up due date is that we got to schedule my ultrasound sooner (YAY again!!) and it is set for August 24th. I kinda cheated a bit in scheduling it - I won't quite be at 18 weeks, but what difference can 2 days really make?

And I have another pregnancy symptom to add to my list: sensitive gums. They are starting to bleed now when I brush my teeth. Supposedly that is also really common in pregnancy because your capillaries are closer to the surface of your skin. I'm sure I have a lot more symptoms to look forward to... some better than others and I can't wait. I can't wait to start showing (and not feeling like I just ate too much lunch) and I really can't wait to feel the baby move. Oh, and I'm also excited about those varicose veins I'm destined to get...

14 Weeks

So I am now starting my 15th week. My pregancy has been pretty uneventful so far. I haven't really been sick other than headaches more often than normal, occasional dizziness, and getting physically tired pretty easily. Nothing like my first pregnancy though, where all I could do was sleep and drink buckets of water (I had a miscarriage a year ago last April). It's been kind of hard to believe that I really am pregnant and it really is progressing normally this time... I had an ultrasound at 7 weeks where we found the heartbeat and that, combined with me not having my period for the past 4 months, keeps me from being sure I must be mistaken...

Things are starting to feel more real the past couple weeks though. I've been told by several close family members and friends that I am starting to get a pooch (isn't it funny how they all use the same word??) although I think it's more bloating and lazy stomach muscles than baby at this point. And I never had any food aversions until I started my second trimester... now all I can seem to eat are breads and fruit. Oh and sweets, of course, I can always eat those. I've also started to get some cramping which has me a little worried, but I talked to the nurse-midwife today and she said to take it easy and drink lots of fluids until Wednesday when I'll be in to see her. She said if I start bleeding, call her back right away, but otherwise cramping is pretty normal from the uterus and stomach muscles stretching all out.

I have finally decided I am going to have it in a birthing center with a nurse/midwife and no epidural... yikes!! I was pretty nervous about that at first (which is why it took so long for me to decide to go through with it) but now I feel like I can do it. I went to see the birthing center a couple weeks ago and I really liked it and the nurse-midwives that I met. I feel comfortable with and confident in them, and therefore I feel a little empowered - not that I really should, I know I have no idea what I'm getting myself into - but I feel like I really can do it. I keep dreaming about labor and it's always ok in my dream, so it's gotta be easy in real life too, no? Ha. Famous last words.

I have my first appointment with the birthing center on Wednesday and I'm looking forward to it, but can't really say that I'm exactly excited - they're not doing an ultrasound, so I think mostly it will be just like going to the doctor for any kind of checkup - lots of bloodwork and urine tests and such. Except for the doppler machine, I guess - I am really looking forward to hearing the heartbeat. I'm anxious to hear it to feel assured that everything is going as it should...

I'd be super-excited if they were going to be doing an ultrasound, but they won't do one of those until I'm at 18 weeks and so I have 4 looooong weeks to go before I get to find out if it's a boy or a girl... I want to know so bad!! Supposedly, they could tell right now if they were to do an u/s, which is pretty cool, but I guess I'll just have to be patient.